Friday, January 31, 2014

a diatribe on hat-rassment

people, i like to wear hats when it's cold out.  i might even throw on a scarf and some gloves or mittens. that's not so strange, right?  i might have said, i like to eat food when i'm hungry.   but apparently the people in my office building think my hat-wearing is a very big deal.  i can't count the number of times i've gotten a side-eye or a comment about wearing a damn hat.  i've gotten comments both on the hats themselves and the very fact that i'm wearing anything on my head at all.

so, by now you're probably picturing something like this:

but that would be false.  (although i have to admit that this is pretty fabulous headgear. after i get done here i might be tempted to track it down on the interwebs.  i've sort of been teasing at work that i'm going to get a ski-mask and just be done with it.)

here's the sort of head covering i normally wear:


now what the heck is wrong with that? it's even got a matching scarf.  when do i ever match!  (the answer to that is not a bunch.)  see how i look so cute i thought i'd take a photo?  i pulled this one from the archives.  i was probably wearing this or something similar the day i was riding down the elevator for lunch, the doors opening on the way down to let someone in, and the lady that was waiting started in, spotted me, took a step back, and laughed, before entering.  uhm, what the hellfire is so visually disturbing about a person in a hat and scarf that you literally recoil from the sight while busting out a guffaw?  this isn't the copacabana.. it's actually cold out when i wear these things.  it's not the dog days of summer here.  maybe your seasons aren't earth seasons, but mine are and one of them is this thing called winter.  read a book.

comments usually take the form of various degrees of irony or mocking, or someone has looked at the hat so long they feel they need to make a verbal communication to me to explain the staring.  i've gotten:

  • i like your hat.
  • nice hat.
  • is it that cold?
  • you look warm.
  • that's cozy.
  • you're wearing a hat.

that last one is my favorite.  why yes, i am wearing a hat.  congratulations on your powers of observation, do you want a cookie?

i wear my dr. who hat sometimes.

when i wear it i'm sexier on the inside
which i would expect to get a comment or look here and there.  it's gotten exactly one comment.  middle-aged man asks me on the elevator (it's always on the elevator.. dude, you don't have to make small-talk, we'll be just fine), is that a dr. who hat or just a police box hat.  haha.  so i say, no, it's dr. who.  then after a good 10 seconds he goes in his kind of whiny voice, "tardisssss."  i'll just let myself out.

here's what i wore the other day which inspired this post:

^real annoyance captured by my mad photo journalism skills.

ok, it's a teeny tiny bit silly.  but it's mostly just a good old-fashioned, red-blooded winter hat.  the ear flaps are functional, people.  my head parts get cold!  there's a polar vortex out there! or is it only ok if it's in camo and i'm wearing an orange vest in the woods?  for wearing this one, i got a snide middle-aged man (a different one) in the elevator that said, "it's not that cold out."

uhm, you do know it's like 14 degrees out, right?  it's literally freezing right now.  if that's not a good time to wear a hat then i don't know when is.  is it like, negative degrees only?  or am i supposed to haul all my stuff into the lobby and put it all on there?  is it that i'm wearing it in the relatively comfortable clime of the elevator that puts you in enough of a bother that you feel the need to comment?

of course, i didn't say any of this.  i didn't say anything.  i guess i had my "i'm not hearing this" face on because i caught my co-workers giving each other the "oh no he didn't" eye, trying not to laugh, because of the i don't know how many times i've told them i get flack for my cold-weather choices.  they knew why i didn't answer.  fool thought i didn't hear him and tried again... he wanted to make sure i heard his clever observation.  so instead of doing what i wanted to do, which is scratch his face for him, i just laughed (because though i'm a badger inside, my outside is a cuddly bunny - i have to learn to balance the two better) and shot back "yeah it is!" and left it at that.  my co-workers barely made it out of there without cracking.

so, i don't know what it is about me and cold-weather gear that people like to pick on. so i like to be warm, sue me.  if i can put on a few more items and be nice and cozy walking to my car, rather than shivering and just holding it off until i can get the heat on, why is that so bad?  my co-workers said to just tell people it's because i'm from california.  but i don't want to tell people that and then they think, oh, that's why.. she's not normal like i am.  no, i'm perfectly normal, if somewhat more hedonistic than you.  you're not stronger or better than me for wearing less.  it's not because i'm from california and i can't handle the cold.   i could handle it if i had to, i just don't want to.  and i don't have to.  didn't our cave brothers and sisters fight the cold and beasts so we could be here today wearing gloves and hats? every time you shiver out in the cold when you could have put on a scarf - and you thought it was beneath you - you turn your back on their suffering.  for shame.

on a happy note, a friendly woman saw me yesterday waiting for the elevators and said jovially, "you look nice and cozy!"  and she sounded like she meant it, too.  well yes ma'am, i am nice and cozy, and thank you for appreciating that.  

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

the unintentional nerd out

so i got this on saturday:

$2.99 at best buy - what a deal!  it features commentary by cameron crowe, john cusack, and ione skye.  if tomorrow is a snow day it might be the perfect time to pop this in.  mmm.. pop... popcorn.  i like where this is going.

my imaginary shame dunce cone will probably make an appearance though.  i get to wear it sometimes when i embarrass myself or have remembrances thereof. now i've mentioned before, but i don't get embarrassed easily.  i'll be silly or do dumb things and brush it off by explaining that what just happened is because i'm so incredibly awesome.  i can trip and fall and it's all good.  i can ask what kind of animal do they use on groundhog day (what is it, like, a beaver?) and have a belly laugh at my own brain fart. (we still laugh about that one at work.)  i've dealt with anxiety for so long and had to go through enough ordeals that i pretty much have a "couldn't care less" attitude. did i just throw up in the denny's?  yup. i might be incredibly sorry, but i'm not ashamed because that's how i roll.

but. some things make me so squeamish and embarrassed that i can barely stand it.  like watching bad singers on tv. i get so embarrassed *for* them that it's physically uncomfortable for me.  and... putting my foot in my mouth, perhaps. but that's more of a "oh god, no, i said that wrong!" shame.  sometimes if i make a joke to someone i don't know well and they don't get it, and look at me like *i'm* the stupid one.. that's kind of embarrassing (and annoying).  other than that, i honestly can't think of much.  but one of the few times i got really embarrassed was when i "met" john cusack, and now every time i see one of his movies i feel the little embarrassment worm in my tum. 

it was 2001 in the spring, and i don't remember what brought us to malibu, but mark and i had driven up the coast and were looking for a place to eat.  we may have been at the getty, and i'm pretty sure we took santa monica blvd. all the way to the 1 and headed north.  if you were either of us, you'd know it takes us an age and a day to decide where to eat when we are somewhere unfamiliar. on this day we drove all around and decided on a cute cafe in a shopping center called the marmalade cafe.  about half way through our meal mark went to the restroom and i'm at the table, just eating and looking around.  and my eyes sweep over a table near the corner and catch something familiar so i look again and i realize i'm looking at john cusack and he's got his arm up on the table with his head in the crook of his arm. i tried to find a photo like that, but i know you've seen him do this because i honestly think that is how i recognized him before i recognized him - i've seen him in that position so often on the big screen.  so mark comes back to the table and i tell him and that's that. 

before long our meal is over and i need to visit the ladies, so i get up to go. after i get up, john gets up from his table and walks toward the restrooms. but because he is closer, he gets there first.  the men's is occupied, so he's waiting in the little hall, and as i'm coming up on him i do the head nod thing and go "hey," and he goes "hey." and then as i take another step my brain shoots into hyperdrive and i have this little conversation with myself:  "what did you just do? you can't just say 'hey' like you know the man - you don't know him. now you have to say something else so it will seem less weird, like the 'hey' was just a starter." so i say the first thing i think of:  "i just wanted to say that i love you in your movies."

now. that's not a terribly embarrassing and of itself.  if i was out like, at amoeba (records) and he was browsing and i was browsing and i went up and say "hey man, i love you in your movies," that would be fine. but i said "i just wanted to" like i had intended to follow him to the bathroom just so i could say my little sentence. which i didn't! he got up after me so he got there first. but the way i said it made it seem like i saw him go to the men's room and thought ooh, my opportunity has arisen, let me follow him to the bathroom!  so embarrassing.

but that's not all.

i emphasized my sentence with a double thumbs up.
i tried to find a super embarrassing dtp gif but none of them were bad enough to convey my feels.
just picture stephen's right hand doing the same thing.

i don't think i'd ever even done an un-ironic double thumbs up in my life before that moment. but i tell you now that i was in it, with full on enthusiasm. i put those two thumbs up and waved my nerd banner high in the air. he was very nice about it, kind of bobbed his head and said "oh, thank you very much." and i walked on into the ladies room, locked the door behind me, and melted to death amelie style. you didn't know a ghost was typing this, did you? i was so embarrassed i literally mouthed "OH MY GOD" to myself in the mirror and bent over to hid my face in my hands, as you do.

now, in l.a. everyone likes to pretend they're so cool and above caring, that they don't even notice that a celebrity is standing right next to them. (totally guilty of this.. haha.) and i guess, a lot of the time, the celebrities you spot really *are* no big deal.  no one's going to nerd out over alyssa milano or jennifer love hewitt (no offense, ladies.)  i've met, encountered, and spotted so many celebrities and "celebrities" that i honestly couldn't give you a list without forgetting a bunch.  unless it was someone i loved, my brain said "oh look, there's so and so, a celebrity" but my face said "tra la la, i'm not seeing this."  i *have* nerded out before (neil hannon, craig ferguson) and didn't care because i enjoyed doing it.  but this was a totally and completely an unintentional nerd out, a caught off guard over-nerd out for no reason other than i was put on the spot by my stupid brain, and i felt uber embarrassed.

when i got out he was gone and i only had my sad little story to tell. mark thought it was hilarious. and the whole ride home i kept going "oh my god!"

so.. yeah. such a stupid thing to be embarrassed about, even after all these years. i'm sure he'd had plenty of encounters like that before, but for some reason that was a doozy for me.  i think mostly because i had zero control over my brain and mouth and hand parts in that moment.  and i'm not really embarrassed to tell people my goofy story because i think it's hilarious too, but i do still feel the wiggly worm inside when i think of it.  thus, the momentary imaginary dunce hat of shame that magically appears on my head whenever i see him on tv.

who had two thumbs and an unintentional nerd out?

this moi.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

ask me about the terrifying grunt cats

so, dreams. who has wacky dreams and two thumbs? this guy! look, i get that no one really cares about anyone else's dreams.. it's not like a movie or a book.  you can't see the picture they have in their head, most of the time the thing that makes it memorable to the dreamer is not easily explained, and it usually takes place in a setting that is "my house, but not my house" or "disneyland, but *my* disneyland, the one in my dreams that i go to."  but, i really do have some doozies that i just can't not share with mark and my co-workers.

some people don't remember their dreams, some people insist they don't dream. i can't imagine not being able to remember dreams. i remember some dreams from years and years back. some dreams are nightmares, some dreams were nightmares that are now just so common that i've learned i'll live through them, some dreams are fantastical, some are full of grief or anger or sadness, some are hilarious, some are beautiful. and you know what? it's exhausting! some mornings i wake up feeling like i've been going and going all night. like jeez, can't a girl get some shut-eye already?  my brain is full of my dreams when i wake up and sometimes i just have to let it out by making some poor sad soul listen. and even though it's near impossible to be objective about a subjective topic, *i* think the dreams i choose to share are pretty wacky and/or funny.  mark and my associates agree that my brain is kind of messed up and needs to calm down during the nighttime hours. and that i should start a blog.

well, i've already started a blog, and no it's not going to turn into a dream blog, so sigh of relief for everyone. i *may* share from time to time when i am prompted by outside sources.  i have two for your perusal today.

last monday i dreamed i was tom selleck the actor, but instead i was a policeman and my junior partner was steve guttenberg. we were after some perps and for whatever reason i had to go undercover as a sexy lady and get a date with my partner, who wasn't allowed to know it was really me (tom). we went on a date to a local mexican restaurant and got the bad guys who hung out there, and then i had to tell steve i wasn't really a sexy lady who was into him and he was very disappointed that his chance at love had all been a lie. (i'm not sure how he didn't know i tom, what with that mustache and all). i told him he did a good job catching the baddies, but i don't think he was consoled. and then we went outside with the rest of the policemen who were there, and there was a rickety carnival in the parking lot and lightning kept coming down so frequently that we all had to lay flat on the ground because if we moved we'd get electrocuted. the end. what would freud make of that one?

friday night i dreamt i was dating the actor who played the older brother on e.t., and even though we had only been dating for a few weeks he invited me to go to the beach in florida with drew barrymore and henry thomas (elliot) because they hang out all the time, as movie siblings from 30 years ago do, you know. but when i get there i discover i am in love with henry thomas (what is up, 14-year-old me - how's life and do you still have his cut out photo from seventeen up on your wall - yes, yes you do) and i don't know what to do with all my feels. so drew gets this secret out of me and she's going to help me, because that's what a loving sister does for her fake brother, because he's secretly in love with me to - yay! the end. i swear i have neither watched e.t. nor legends of the fall in at least 3 years, but somehow my brain parts picked those things out of my head memory bank and put them in a magic bullet for 30 seconds or however long dreams really last and poured out a nice mixed up smoothie of love.

anyway, that might not have been interesting to read at all, and for that i am sorry. but only a little sorry because this blog is for me too, and i know when i'm sixty i'm going to read my post and laugh. and probably say "so what else is new" because i don't see this dream parade stopping anytime soon, unless i get dementia and then it will be like dreaming 24 hours a day i imagine.

i also took our new camera across the street to the golf course to capture some of the remaining snow and that is what these pictures are about.

fashion: all the stuff i'm wearing is old.. don't even try to find it.
except the tardis hat. which you can find on the internet like, anywhere.

i'm not sure, but i think i may be getting slightly crosseyed in my old age.

Monday, January 20, 2014

you know you read too much...

...when a simple typo causes way too much thought processing to take place. 

yesterday, i got some liquid plumbr to clear up a minorly slow-ish draining issue in my tub, not even a problem yet.  after waiting the prescribed 15 minutes (no, i lied. it was 20 minutes. i was looking at the australian gold coast vacation rentals on and i got distracted.), the tub drained and i was like, ok, shower time.  now i don't know what kind of chewbacca hairball got dislodged from it's secret hiding nook, but it completely took over the drain and stopped up the entire thing.  the shower water rose to bathing levels and barely drained maybe 3 inches overnight.  mark went to walmart in the nightime hours, as one does, and bought a drano snaking kit, yadda yadda.  long story short it didn't work, and he wrote me a note and posted it on the shower door to tell me.

i saw the note this evening and his p.s. said "turn of the space heater."

turn of the space heater?  what?  is that like henry james' the turn of the screw?  is he trying to give me a message?  does he want me to read this space heater book?  is it like, a how-to book?  10 Easy Household Annoyances, Fixed in One Turn of the Space Heater by uncle joe plumber.  is it like, a soap opera mr. fix-it book?  like sands through the hour glass, so are the turns of our space heaters...

so i'm standing there like, pondering deeply, when it hits me.  turn off the space heater.  the space heater in front of my nightstand that i use every morning when i'm getting dressed.  that i left on *one* time and now i wear the scarlet letters S and H for all eternity, with no pardon issued despite countless months of good behavior because i "could have burned the house down."  i don't know why i had such a hard time figuring that one out.  he reminds me every day to do my duty to keep him char free.  mark's conversations with me end thus: "ok, love you, bye.. drive safe.. be good..  turn off the space heater!"

so yeah.  flummoxed by a simple typo.  what's the word for when your brain makes things so much harder than they have to be?  because i have that.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

10 reasons why after-new year's staycations are awesome

so, i bet most of you have been back to the daily grindstone for the past week, amirite?  well not me!  sometimes, when i'm slogging to work before and after xmas when everyone and their dog is on vacay, i have a tiny pity party that i have to drag my butt into the office when (almost) no one else is there, but then i remember all the things i love about taking my vacation after the holidays.

1. No Traffic Workdays
 while all those suckers are out shopping for presents and food, and buying booze for new year's eve, i'm *loving* the highway in it's all-natural state - clog free!  one of the reasons i was tired of l.a. was the traffic and over the years richmond has gotten way more crowded than i like.  not to mention the office is dead slow.  (which gives me plenty of time to write my yearly personal evaluation. yay.)

2. Sales

what up, 90% off christmas decorations!  how *you* doin?  i love me some good sales and i love having time to look.  i was pretty good this year, but usually i get at least one new ornament.  behold mr. sparkly sea otter.  how cute is he?  i also picked up a few clothing items that i had been eyeing all season. 

3. All Resolutions Are Postponed For One Week
dr. pepper, ima drink you until the sun goes down on my fun. because when i vacay, i vacay hard.  real life doesn't restart until i roll up into work on the 13th.  now, where's that new year's havarti i didn't finish?

4. No-Shave Pit-cation
i don't recommend googling "hairy bear" to try to find an image to illustrate a week of not shaving.

no fancy holiday parties to wear that strapless dress to, no need for those sleeveless shirts you must wear to the office because they jack the heat up to 10,000 degree, no swim suits on tropical islands... don't even lie like you don't love not shaving.

5. Throwback T.V.
because your mom is visiting and netflix has about 5 choices that will please the both of you.  i vividly remember (audio)taping an episode of magnum with my little toy tape recorder whilst enjoying fruit cocktail at about age 6.  i also had a poster of tom selleck in volleyball gear on the back of my bedroom door.  (i'm not quite sure how that came about.)  nothing says childhood like a magnum marathon.  and if i want to "rest" my eyes for a little while, i'm not too bummed out about missing anything.  (drawback - i had the theme song in my head last night when i was trying to sleep.  damn 80s synthesizers.)

6. Do Nothing Tuesdays

is pretty much what i did all day on tuesday.  i'm trying to remember if i stepped foot outside the door and i'm pretty sure no is the answer to that.  and since it was fahreezing cold, i had no problem with that whatsoever.

7. Pajamatime
you know when you get up and you have to take off your pajamas and get dressed for work?  yeah, i hate that too. this week i got to get up and put ON pajamas. (i sleep in a thin chemise, no good for polar vortex weather.)  nothing says winter staycation than getting to cuddle up in some fuzzies and a blanket on the couch.  thank you, pajamas, for being there for me during this cold, cold week.

8. Deserted Stores*
it might be an ever loving mess, but the people are gone.

i realize i already talked about the sales, but the whole shopping experience after new year's is just better all around.  since everyone else is back in the office, it's just the no-jobbers and stay-at-homes you have to share the store with.  i'm a big believer in people STAYING THE F HOME if they're sick, and that's a lot more likely to happen if it's not xmas time and people aren't feeling the xmas gift deadline looming.  most people that are out shopping the week after new years are out because they want to be, not because they have to be.  with the exception of a few barbarians who don't give a rat's ass about getting anyone else sick and can you tell that i went to a jcp and some woman in the dressing room sneezed literally 8 times in a row and we got the hell out of there?  gross.  stay at home, people
*except for on weekends.  target last sunday was like a zombie video game where every aisle contained another infected person to avoid.  gtfo.

9. No Care Hair

it's cold and i'm snug at home. i'm not going to any parties or family holiday gatherings, so i'm definitely not into sticking my head under the faucet so i can fix my daily curls. who am i trying to look good for, anyway?  i'll put a filter on it to make it look pretty for you guys, but that's about it.

10. The Tree Still Being Up Isn't Laziness, Yet

dudes. it's not time to take down the tree or decorations yet.  i'm still on my holiday.  not to mention we had to open gifts to/from my mom after new years, which totally requires the tree to be up.  in my house, we never took the tree down until a week or two, or month, after the holidays were over anyway, so i'm pretty much coming out ahead of the game anyway

alright.. the new flavor triple berry scone from panera is calling my name.  and i think i'm going to add some butter into the mix because "be healthier" doesn't start until monday.