by definition a crush must hurt

today's post is brought to you by gratitude.  thank you baby jesus for arranging the internet so that one can't track others who look for one on facebook, is all i have to say.  i have very recently, as in "just now", engaged in some cyber-stalking behavior.  i can't help it - i have a curious mind.  all leo-sloths do. 

♫  somewhere out there  ♫

 

and what brought on this latest bout of feverish searching?  (ok, it wasn't really feverish.  but i did have to go to several, SEVERAL, different pages before i found my victim person of interest.)  twas a crush dream that done me in.  i'm sure you all have them...  right?  (i hope i'm not the only one?)  oh, crush dreams.  how you take me back.  and do some weird, weird things to my crushes.  last night i dreamed i saw my crush from high school (spring-fall '95).  i was walking through my college campus and happened to see a hs acquaintance down the quad, and he suddenly called out crush's name and i turned around and my heart did that crush thing.  he was dirty and shaggy and looked like a homeless person who had been on the streets for a very long time.  but he hadn't.  been on the streets.  that was just his carefully cultivated "look." (wtf, dream?  why you so crazy?  in real life he was cute and tall with light glowy amber eyes.  and he liked to tease me.  oh, crush. i should have attacked you in a darkly lit corner of the gym.  i could do high school so much better now than i did the first time around.)   and of course i was still smitten in my dream because what is a crush dream if you simply don't care anymore?  and as is wont in these dreams, my crush was crushing me back, oh happy day!  (even if they are grungy and dirty and hairy.)  he begged me to go away with him and live like lovers do, and i totally kind of wanted to, but here's where the inevitable heart-breaking part comes in.. i had to say no.  mark totally interferes with my man-catching, you guys!  i always have to gently, but achingly part from my conquests with a breaking but resolute heart because i have promised myself to one man, whom i love dearly, and sadly, they are not him.  it's so hard to be torn between two lovers, i can't even tell you.  i don't know how the people on the soap operas do it.  but i am always faithful and send the latecomers away with empty hands and hearts full of woe. 

wait... i take that back.  when i interviewed damon albarn (lead singer of blur) for my famous 90s radio show, and he asked me to run away with him i took off without so much as a "smell ya later."  poor mark.  i'm sure my life as mrs. damon wasn't a very happy one though, what with all the drugs and rock angst.  (serves me right, the wench!)   it would have been nice though to have been unfaithful with someone i actually crush on in real life, such as ewan or the dashing bill nighy, but you can't control what the depths of the mind will create whilst in dreamland.  one's brain wants what it wants, no matter how bizarre.  (i appreciate the irony of my subconscious choosing damon while i would consciously choose bill nighy).

anyway, when i awoke my thoughts turned to this crush and wonderings of where he might be right now (he moved after my sophomore year), of which i have satiated my curiosity as described above.  (i love the internet.)  but is it terrible/normal that seeing he is married gave me an involuntary ping of disappointment?  as if there is any chance under xenu's great yellow sun that i would ever even see this person again, much less become involved with him.  that ship sailed in the 9th grade (and come to think of it, he was taken then too, by thumb girl* no less, ugh) and that was a one-way sailing.  not to mention i barely knew him.  not to mention that i am very happy as is with my best man person.  so why the mini-feels?  and why do i have dream crushes all the live long time?  (most of which are reoccurring.  and run the gamut from people i liked, people i despised, people i crushed on from afar, people whom i now know would not have been a good match for me, and people i barely knew.   i could write a whole n'other blog post.)  i blame the movies and tv.  and music.  and books.  stupid books.   all i can say is people are weird, and i am one of them.  one weird, swirly-brained person.

you're a little late, cat.  but i'll take your advice.

(*thumb girl was what i called crush's girlfriend.  she was one of the football team junior managers the following fall, and when i'd see her down by the bench at games i'd close one eye, hold up my thumb, and block her right out of existence.  very therapeutic, i highly recommended.  two thumbs up.  <--ahahaha.  i will go now.)