oh i'd love the ability...

the other day as i was driving home, i got to thinking about virtues. you know, the qualities a person has that makes them a good person. i like to think i have some of those (sometimes elusive) things. my core person is, i think, empathetic, honest, generous, and polite. (i hope there's more in there, but that'll do for now.) i'm not always all or even any of those things at any point in time, but i believe for the most part that, if asked, people who know me might list one or all.

look at how good i can be.

one of those virtues i thought about on the drive home was honesty. i have a history with this one. a long time ago when i was about, oh, 14, i went to a party with my mom to her friend's house by the beach. there was food, people, a pool to swim in, and a fortune teller.. *record scratch* a fortune teller? well, one of the hostess' friends told fortunes on the side and had brought with her a little stack of slips that had virtues printed on them, and you would choose from the fanned out slips, flip it over, and the woman would tell you a little bit about yourself. (or something like that, it was almost 20 years ago, people.) my little slip of paper said "honesty". and because i was less pragmatic and more romantic at that age, i thought the universe was giving me my own little goal and that would be my golden virtue. so i kept that paper (still have it) and, when i thought about it, which was not often, tried to live up to it. (funny story - when i was 23, i joined a sorority. upon initiation, each girl was told to "be" a different virtue. i was pretty far down the line, if not last, and i just knew what i would get. i kept not hearing it said, and when they got to me, yup, i was told to "be honest". so i guess someone out there thought that'd be a good time to reinforce the message) anyway, fast-forward to today and i think i am a pretty honest person, except for the times i white-lie to save someone's feelings or to get out of social obligations, which is to say i'm probably not any less honest than the average person.  i do like tricking people or stealing things out of their purses or pockets, but if i do i tell them about it right after because how else am i going to be praised for my witty or sly capers?  (i must also be part crow.)  i try to also be truthful with myself, but sometimes that can be hard when you're happier just to stick your head in the sand. or, sometimes i acknowledge my truth and then put it back on the shelf (sloth).

so i was thinking about all this as i was driving and i wondered, if i could give up one of my virtues to trade it for another, what would i pick?

well i'm not so sure about what virtue i'd give up - i'd have to think about that one - but i did decide what virtue i'd trade it in for (or in other words, what vice i'd get rid of).

here's a hint.

i need patience.

i am a totally, totally impatient person. i don't think i used to be as bad, but as i've gotten older, simply everything annoys me. old lady taking too long to write her check at the cashier stand? annoyed. (and who writes checks anymore, OMG!) people start merging into one lane way too early? annoyed. (wth are they doing!) i spill juice on the kitchen floor? annoyed. (stupid juice!) person comes back with a question i just answered in the previous e-mail? annoyed. (read the e-mail!) i don't know whether i am just a worse, meaner person or if it's ripened because of age, or what. (and age is a post for another day - i'll be 33 in a couple of weeks and man, do i feel old!)  i get annoyed by people and/or things being slow, stupid (to me), lazy (hypocrite, i know), rude (oh, this is a big, big one), loud, smelly - basically everything.

and while i try to present a pleasant attitude and face:

hello, lovely people!

inside i am:

no physical or emotional harm to anyone took place during the making of these faces.

 now, maybe this is just a little, loveable quirk of mine and my friends and family wouldn't have me any other way. (*snorts* as if.) i know no one wants to be around a hater all day long, so i do try to temper it with humor. and a lot of times that actually helps. if i didn't hiss at something at least once a day, my co-workers would wonder what was wrong with me. (the other day i turned around in my chair and sang sweetly and daintily like a disney princess, "let's all sing the murder song, sing it as we go along, scratch and stab..." and couldn't imagine any more words. they thought it was funny and i laughed and felt better.) but as fun as it is to share a side-eye with them or mark, or raise my eyebrows up to high heaven, i think i would be a happier person if i could LET THINGS GO! (reminds me of a jason falkner song, "holiday" that goes, "i'm not impressed so easily, i think i think too much you see, oh i'd love the ability to simply let things go." holler.) it's no fun being impatient and annoyed all the live long day. and i get annoyed at the stupidest things. i even get annoyed when i have to get up from my desk to go to the bathroom! i've asked my co-worker to go for me, but unfortunately that doesn't work. (that's my slothiness combining with my impatience. it takes sooo long to get up, walk down the hall, do my bidness, and walk back, and the bathroom is always dirty, and i wish i could just have a bag that i could pee at my desk and oh god, no i don't, i'm sorry, i take it back god, please don't make me pee into a bag!)


so i should probably work on that. make it a year 34 resolution. i will try to be more patient. (how does one do that, by the way?) i guess it's a good start to just acknowledge that you are being a tool, even if no one knows it. today as i was in the car at a stoplight, i turned my nose up at the radio's offerings, and plugged in my ipod, only to shout out a big UGH at the shuffle option selecting a song i didn't want. as i hit the forward button for the next song, i said out loud, "lord, give me patience," more as a frustrated, sarcastic shout out than out of any actual piety, and i kid you not, the song that came up next was "patience," by elgin park. whoa... ok, haha, so yeah. i didn't even know i had a song by that name on there. (i knew i had that album, but i'm not really good at remembering titles of songs, so i hadn't noticed this one before.) so i guess i am on the right path at least. i will try to not be so impatient and annoyed. i'm not sure how, exactly, but that's what i'll be working on. (and just in time, because the momster comes to visit next week! lol)

if you had to give up one of your virtues in order to get rid of one of your vices, what would they be?